Consious Change

 My journey so far into 2022 has been outward. Hiking up a mountain, with stumbles and falls completely focused on growing and changing and evolving. A journey with a destination, to find the “new me”.

At the end of last year, I found myself getting dissatisfied with who I was, who I had become. It was a low point that made me realize that I needed to change something if I wanted to stop feeling this way.

Change is something we all do, either because we are forced to, or just through the natural passage of time. But conscious change is different. It’s something you have to inherently focus on, not a background process of life.

2022 has been that conscious change. I set out with some objectives, to be more open, to let go of my need for control, to communicate better, to name a few. All things I weren’t entirely sure how to accomplish or even if they would help at all.

But that’s the thing about conscious change or goals or anything else in life, you won’t know until you actually try. The first thing I had to overcome was fear. An irrational fear that just existed, that stopped me from trying anything in the first place.

And from then on, I started slowly and surely to build myself up. February taught me to take initiative, March to keep pushing forward, that steps backwards are part of the same dance as the ones moving forward.

I learned that change gets messy in the middle and picked up on habits and lifestyles to make me better, healthier.

Midway through I looked back to realize how far I’d come. I let myself be proud. I let myself be a bad version of me. I had tough conversations and I saw, for the first time, how my actions actually do impact everything around me.

That in the act of trying to be better, I was influencing the world around me as well. I taught myself to rest but not give up and to just do things freely instead of waiting for some “right” time.

There’s a balance between forcing yourself to do something and listening to your body when it tells you no. I learned when to listen to my body.

And then last month I learned how I can do so much more than I can imagine in a short amount of time, to just do things. Especially the ones that make you happy.

So all that leaves me here, to this point. And what no one talks about is what happens when you get to that point.

I set out with some goals, and, in large part, accomplished them. Are they perfectly completed? Of course not, they will always be things I work towards. But it’s enough for myself to have found the “new me.”

But now what?

Now I stand as a different person, staring at the road back home.

Now it’s time for me to start my journey inwards. Wandering through a soft, sunny, moss-covered forest, re-discovering the path back to myself.

Find the things that make life beautiful, meaningful, to me. I’m drawn to re-discovering the parts of myself that make me happy to be alive, that make me stand out, that make me who I am. I want to find things that excite me.

The thing about growth and change and journeys is that they never end, they just transform into something different.

What do you do when you’ve achieved your goal? I think it’s best, before you set another one, to take some time to rediscover yourself. Learn who you’ve become to get here, and you will have a better idea of where to go next.

For me, my new journey of figuring out who the hell I am, starts.

The thing to remember though, is that these questions, these journeys, these changes are not as clear cut as maybe we’d like them to be. They ebb and flow and I will answer this question many, many times throughout life.

When it comes to self-growth, there is no limit, there is no end. We are all different people throughout our lives and that’s okay. Just keep doing what you think, what you feel, you must.

Though I’m now focusing my efforts inwards that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to be more open or let go of control or any of the other goals I’d set. They can all happen side by side, just ebbing and flowing in importance depending on life.

An example is this blog. I rediscovered this aspect of myself earlier this year, though I wasn’t looking inwards at the time. And I am so thankful I did. I know no one reads these posts, but just the act of making them makes me proud, and ultimately, isn’t that the only thing that matters?

The truth of it all is life is messy and complex yet exceedingly simple at the same time. It flows and twists and turns and things aren’t as neat and clean as my controlling mind wants them to be. But another thing I’ve learned is to be okay with that.

I hope this post was helpful in some way. I know this is different from my other ones, almost reads like a journal entry. In a way, maybe it is. Either way, please comment, I’d love to hear your thoughts!